


toujours ici

by yosgay



Category: Persona 3, Persona 4, Persona Series
Genre: Disordered Eating, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-08 20:58:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7773133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yosgay/pseuds/yosgay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Minato stepped forward and stood on his tip-toes, gently swiping one of Souji's eyes with the back of his sleeve, and kissed his cheek.</p><p>“You’re- you’re everything.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	toujours ici

**Author's Note:**

> hey hey sh is a big theme in this fic, and there's ment of disordered eating, so be careful reading n take of yourselves.

Souji led them to an empty classroom after the final bell, quiet apart from a simple explanation that he had something he wanted to talk about. Souji slid the door shut and a deliberate silence stretched between the two. Minato stood awkwardly, waiting for Souji to start up a conversation or something, shifting his weight between his feet, getting more nervous by the second at what this could be about. 

Souji looked at the floor, brow furrowed, and then stepped towards him. He reached out and Minato flexed his fingers, ready to hold his hand, but Souji deliberately overshot it, gently pulling back his sleeve instead. Minato flinched immediately, reflex taking over as he snatched his arm back and tugged his jacket’s sleeves down further so that they covered his hands. Shit. He hugged his arms close to his chest, right carefully over left, and glared at his shoes, cheeks burning.

Souji stared at his fingers dubiously. It was barely visible through the black of his uniform jacket, but the fabric he had pinched for just a second was wet, leaving his fingertips lightly smudged red-brown. He choked on a noise from the back of his throat, and turned to face Minato, trying to keep the anger out of his eyes, trying to will himself _not_ to be angry.

“Again?” He said tightly, controlling his voice.

Minato didn’t look up. He shrugged.

“It’s… soaking, you’re…” he trailed off. “I thought we talked about this,” Souji said more firmly, desperation leaking into his words. “You said you’d call, you said that. You - you promised you wouldn’t -” he gestured helplessly, and Minato’s eyes flashed under his bangs. He bit his lip and took a breath. “I don’t understand why you - I mean, you _said_ -“

“Have you eaten today?” Minato snapped, and tried not to feel guilty when he saw the obvious shock on Souji’s face. 

“I’m not… that’s - listen, don’t, change the subject, I -” 

“Stop trying to psychoanalyze me all the time,” he said coldly. “Stop being your dad.”

Souji visibly reeled. He took a step back and his hands curled in at his sides, just a little. 

“You didn’t mean that,” Souji said, and he sounded hurt, but there was an edge of clear warning to his voice. He was giving Minato an out, and he knew he should take it, but he didn’t. He probably shouldn’t have said that, it was a low blow and he knew it. But he hated this. He hated feeling caught, feeling vulnerable, and Souji did this constantly, whether he realized it or not. They both knew this was going on, and that he wasn’t going to run to Souji like a child every time something was wrong, bother him when there was another way. Souji was babying him, and he hated it. 

He hesitated, turning to walk away and not quite committing, but Souji panicked anyway. “Wait! Don’t -“ He said it all in a rush, grabbing Minato’s upper arm and turning him back around to face him properly. “Minato -“

Minato jerked back, wrenching his arm out of his grip. He shoved his hands in his pockets and twisted the thin fabric of the inside lining around his fingers hard enough to hurt. 

Souji exhaled harshly and rubbed his eyes, pressing into them harder than necessary. “I don’t know how to stop this,” he said, exasperated, voice nearly breaking. “I don’t know how to help, and you won’t tell me. What am I supposed to do?” He almost sounded like he was talking to himself, voice barely audible. “You’re _bleeding._ ”

“Yeah, and you can barely stand up,” he shot back. “Souji, you look like shit.”

“Thanks a lot,” he said wearily, running a hand over his face and slumping his shoulders.

“Aren’t we a fucking pair,” Minato said, half under his breath, toeing the ground with his shoe.

“Why couldn’t you just talk to me?” Souji said, voice strained, a pleading note in his tone that he was doing a shit job of hiding. “Can you just - can I at least look at it? I have bandages, I could -“

“No! I mean - it’s - it’s fine,” Minato stammered, hugging his arms in close again, spine going cold at the thought of Souji seeing his - he shook his head. “I already - just, i-it’s fine. Taken care of, I mean.”

Souji raised an eyebrow, but said nothing else.

Minato sighed harshly, wanting to shift the focus off of him for once. “Listen, you can’t - just, you’re not the only one who’s concerned, okay?” He forced himself to meet Souji’s eyes, trying to communicate more than his words could. They turned distant, like a wall just went up between them. Minato’s disappointment must have shone on his face, because Souji backpedaled immediately, replacing the expression with a small smile, too tight around the edges. 

“Minato, it’s okay. I’m fine.”

No, Minato knew the difference. Souji was _handling_ him, like he did when he was backed into a corner. It was almost insulting, but he got it. He knew what that was like, in the same way he was no stranger to the tremble in Souji’s fingertips and the slight sway in his step.

They were both quiet for a long moment before Souji dropped the smile and wrapped his arms around himself, breaking Minato’s gaze.

When he spoke, it was quiet and pointed, his expression eerily unreadable. 

“Am I not enough for you?”

Minato’s mouth hung open at the despondence thickly layering Souji’s voice. It wasn’t a question, it was an admission, an accusation. How long had he thought that? His face stayed carefully blank, but Minato could feel an ice behind his words that sent shivers through his whole body, shivers that turned from fear to anger. Not enough. Not enough? “ _Not enough_?”

Souji’s eyebrows shot up at the surprising amount of vehemence in Minato’s words, spitting them off his tongue like they were sour. He started speaking all in a rush, vomiting out an intensity of emotion that he hadn’t had the energy to feel in months. 

“Do you have _any idea_ \- do you know what it means that I’m standing here?” Minato’s fists shook at his sides. “Souji, do you know how much you’ve done? How can you not - you’re the only thing that I’ve ever -“ He bit his tongue and gulped in air, trying to ward off the panic creeping up his throat in quickening breaths. _How can he not know?_ He turned away quickly, gripping his arm too tight and pressing fingers into his sore wrist, the dull ache spreading through his limbs and steadying his breathing. 

Souji squeaked a surprised noise and made to turn Minato back around but he jerked away on instinct, skin fever-sensitive and thrumming with ghosts of old touches not nearly as gentle as Souji’s. His clothes were suddenly too tight, the air too heavy. Souji’s hand twitched back like he had touched a hot stove, and a pang of guilt shot through Minato’s chest. 

“Souji,” he breathed, forcing himself to turn back to face him. He was burnt out already, not built to handle spikes in emotion anymore, but the feeling still lingered. “Not enough?” He flexed his fingers, willing the bile out of his throat at the thought of physical contact. 

It’s just Souji. It’s just Souji. It’s Souji.

He steeled himself, shook his head to stop its swimming. Souji eyed him nervously, unsure even through clear tears in his eyes - stock still, hands locked at his sides, respecting every boundary. Minato stepped forward and stood on his tip-toes, gently swiping one of his eyes with the back of his sleeve, and kissed his cheek.

“You’re- you’re everything.”

He softened, but the smile didn’t come back. He just looked more tired. He weaved his fingers through Minato’s, lifting up his bad wrist between them. “Minato. If that’s true, then why this?” He gripped his fingers tighter and a few loose tears rolled down his cheeks. 

“Souji, come on. We can’t - we can’t fix each other. Not totally. But I’m still - we’re both _here_ , and you have to know what that means. You have to know how important that is.” 

“But what if something happens?” he pleaded, tears falling freely now. “What if I’m not there and one day you just don’t answer your phone and then I have to find out that-“ he choked on a sob and covered his face with his free hand. 

“I could ask you the same, couldn’t I? What if you just pass out one day and nobody’s there to help? Just bang your head, or down the stairs, or whatever. Souji, it’s - look, it’s bad, I know. We’re both playing with fire here, and if I knew how to fix us both, I fucking would, okay?” He combed his fingers through Souji’s bangs, trying his best to be soothing, trying to still Souji’s shaking with trembling hands of his own. “This is all we can do. Just - be here.” He brought Souji’s hand to his level, kissing his thumb. “I won’t die if you won’t,” he added. Souji laughed a little brokenly through his tears, and Minato could feel his heartbeat steady out. 

“Listen,” Souji said, sniffling, “just try.” He tried to smile, through red-rimmed eyes and puffy lips, and it didn’t look quite as forced as before. “Try? And I will too.”

Minato laughed shortly. “Deal,” he said, kissing his hand again. “Oh, and I - m’sorry about what I said… earlier,” he said sheepishly. “You’re right, I didn’t mean it.” He wiped at his nose and sniffed shallowly, peeking up at Souji through his bangs.

“I know you didn’t,” Souji said, and smiled for real this time, however small- a smile Minato wanted to kiss every time he saw it.

So, he did.

**Author's Note:**

> this was The Big Scary for me to post so thank u for reading, i probably love you


End file.
